March 2024. It was the beginning of the end. This is a story of discovering the many meanings of love and rediscovering self.

Sometimes, we need another go around to double check if it’s what we really want. And that’s what we did. We spent a year going back and forth, repeating and replaying the same patterns until we finally realized, maybe this isn’t going to work. Maybe you aren’t my forever person.

And fuck. That’s sad.

2025, 3 months completely out of it and finally examining the past year, I’ve been able to measure my growth through two major experiences I’ve had.

The backstory:

When I started my yoga teacher training in March of 2024, I was re-entangled with this man, having residual feelings of unworthiness that was packed in the baggage of the relationship.

So, unsure of myself (and my powers at this point), I go on to do my yoga teacher training to try and feed my flame and do something for myself, something I love – just doing yoga everyday and learning more about the history behind it, how and why I’m doing it.

While navigating the beginning of a so-called “new relationship,” I was also navigating who I am, and who I am becoming.

It was like I had one foot in the past and one foot in the present, never fully present in the moment.

Half way through the training, he backs out of the relationship and I’m heart broken. I’m thrown back into the feeling of not feeling chosen, not worthy. It felt unfair – I couldn’t put my whole heart into my training because it was breaking into pieces. Yet still, I held it together, as strong as I could, to get through this training and get as much out of it as I could. In hindsight, it helped me get through it, but gosh, what could’ve been if I had a full heart in it…

Nonetheless, I succeeded. I made it through and I obtained my certification! It was no easy feat. Could I have given it more of my all? Yes. But that doesn’t make the accomplishment any less badass.

Fast forward, March of 2025, I’m now spending the winter in the snowy mountains instead of on the islands and I am attempting yet another difficult feat – learning to ski! I did it. I even went ahead and obtained my Level 1 Alpine Certification to teach skiing. Once again, not finding myself in a very celebratory mood, because I was facing a similar feeling of a new heartbreak – I left the relationship for a second time, finally fully choosing myself.

Now where does the measurement of growth come in, you ask? Here it is:

March 2024 – I finished delivering my yoga practicum and receive feedback. Hard on myself, hearing all the past voices of doubt and criticisms chirping in my head. But to immediately be flooded with praise, applause, love and encouragement, was a shock to the system. It was hard for me to receive, I tried my best to stay in the moment and remember these words. Later that day, my teammate approaches me with congratulatory words and a mama bear tone, telling me how badass I was up there, how soft but fierce, and sexy I was out there, and to believe and remember that. Tears streamed down my face. Validation I just needed to hear, words I didn’t think pertained to someone like me: “Strong? Fierce? Me?” It was a reminder of my powers, it was a mirror.

March 2025 – A winter of hibernation, a winter of needing to tune out the outside noise and tune within. I knew how much community meant to me and I wanted to pour more into my friendships, but the feeling of loss and grief and change had washed over me, needing to hermit away from the world. Luckily, I found a few gems in my life that loved, supported, and held me through it all. But still, I hid myself away from the world and from them more than I should have. But as things end, we begin to pour out our feelings more than normal. And to be told how much I am loved, how powerful I am, and how much I mean to these women was another shock to the system. To be told, once again, in a vulnerable time, how bright my light is, and how loved I am, and how powerful my presence is – this time, instead of crying and not believing it, this revelation was more of confirmation of what I knew, another gentle reminder.

These two places, so different but I found the people I was supposed to meet. I called in the women and men I needed in my life to show me what friendship looks like, what love is supposed to feel like, on so many different levels.

Like attracts like. We magnetize what it is that we emulate, what we feel inside, about ourselves, subconsciously or not. And when we are hurt and lost, sometimes we can lack the awareness to the fact that we amplify that energy by surrounding ourselves with people who are the same or worse off. Sometimes, we dig ourselves in that hole and falsely call it home. Sometimes, it takes crawling around in the dark to find the light. Sometimes, it takes a lot of repetitive environments and situations to re-wire that old, comfortable way of thinking and being. 

I’ve learned the importance of staying true to yourself and the energy you want to cultivate within yourself because you will attract the same type of energy.

I’ve learned that validation and reassurance is okay, it’s not needy, and it’s crucial to our self-esteem. But first, we need the validation and reassurance from ourself in order to fully receive it from others.

I’ve learned that community is important, no matter how hurt you are, that there is healing in being held by loving, platonic relationships.

The type of community you choose to surround yourself with is so important. What energy do they bring? Are they pushing you and supporting you to be better than you were yesterday? Do they love and accept you and hold you to a high standard, encouraging you to get uncomfortable in your growth? Are they inspiring you to be better because they, too, strive to be better?

I was lost in a shallow, unsupportive relationship where I foolishly cut out my outer lifelines of community, I was in that hole for a long time. And I have no one but myself to blame for not learning my lesson sooner than when I did, no one to blame but myself for staying in a place where I didn’t feel fully seen. I didn’t believe and comprehend just how beautiful, powerful, and bright I was. But when I chose myself and allowed the right ones to choose me, I was reminded who I truly am, who I truly am deep down, underneath all the hurt, jadedness, and notions the world has leaked onto me. After grief, loss, and forgiveness, I have seen how the lessons have turned to blessings.