i woke up realizing i’ve been putting on a show for quite some time. acting for my parents, the public, my coaches, my peers, and even at one point, my partner. i became the best actress. in my relationship i grew to find i avoided hard conversations and in realizing this it showed me that truly, ive been avoiding the hard conversations with myself, about who i am and what i stand for.

having a platform to speak is truly a blessing. i’ve been blessed with many eyes that gaze upon my posts, honestly, more people than im comfortable with. but that’s the thing about growth, it’s pushing yourself out of your comfort zone. i’ve been seeking a platform to speak on, my blogs, because i’ve been needing to have hard conversations with myself. i’ve walked a few paths on this earth, coming across so many beautiful souls, and as wide as that has opened up for me, my world is only slowly growing bigger as i travel around and hopefully make new connections. when you know so many people, and you don’t talk to all of them everyday, your world actually starts to become smaller. because you’re not immediately surrounded by all the people you’ve known and love. i used to think heavily about why i wanted to start writing a blog. not only is it for myself, but it’s also for those people i’ve met on earth. they all know me a certain way. different ways. but this version of me they’ve never met before. the version of me that im growing into. the person im becoming is a complete stranger to me and all the more will be a stranger to you. having shared my new layers with those immediately around me, i’ve already experienced some unwelcomed logic or thoughts that make me question myself, when in reality im not questioning anything. im just unfolding. you see, old parts of us try to cling so hard to an identity, our old identity, our ego wanting nothing but comfort. but im willing to blow up my comfort zone again and again if that means the true me comes out of the rubble. so here i am, sharing in the most safe space, for me and for all of you. these new layers.

traveling thus far has already shown me who i want to be, who i truly am underneath it all. i’ve been envisioning a higher version of myself; how she walks, how she talks, how she thinks and acts. and that’s been showing through. but at times, my doubt and fears, emerging from my ego, wants to place me in my old self, pushing me back to comfort. only to realize shortly after, i feel off. realizing i’m not being true to myself. i’m not honoring my new needs, honoring my higher self. and i’m realizing that its okay to not show up for my ego, i’m not here to put on an act for my ego. i’m here for her, for the new me. the slow me. the sure me. the sweet me. the soft me. the sensitive me.

i found myself acting last night. old me. someone making conversation and laughing along at what they’re saying when truly, i didn’t want to be. i’d rather have the curtain pulled and time for myself. i made face for this stranger, being kind to them, because i thought, that’s what i should do. but it’s not what i want to do. so why did i do it? my ego. my ego that wants to be liked. why do i need to be liked?

it was my first day and i was tired. and i didn’t have fumes for me, let alone for anyone else. maybe a part of me was like “meet new people! learn! socialize!” but wait…. i have all this time for that, i don’t need to dive into that on the first night. i need to do what’s best for me, which is rest.

i’m done acting.

i’m done playing it cool or playing it a certain way just to make you comfortable.

i can’t teeter that line any longer when it comes to my personal peace.

i push the boundaries for others but not for myself. i push the boundaries to make others feel comfortable, seen, heard, thought of. but what about me??? if no one out there has intentions like that for me, then who’s got my back?

oh, that’s me.

and so im learning to stop performing for my old self – i don’t have to be that giggly, bubbly, kind girl all the time if i don’t want to!!! and you know know what? that’s damn alright.

because we’re honoring self here, people! say it louder for those in the back!

so with that being said, i start my first full day in Bangkok with the reminder to walk the streets as the me i want to be. live it slowly, sweetly, surrender to the present. sip it slowly, taste the food, breathe the air, take in the sights – gawk! speak to the people, but only when and how you want to, hear the noises. immerse. dive in. be here. now.