after 20+ hours of flying and standing and walking around with my pack i didn’t realize how much i needed to be horizontal.

hunger didn’t strike me the usual way 8pm thailand time/5am cali time should.

my eyes are droopy and im jet lagged. i’m ready to fall asleep.

i walked around so much and the adrenaline of the city and the rush of being here kept me running on fumes.

i couldn’t find something to eat, i tried to force myself to say something looked delicious but i couldn’t do it.

on top of the jet lag, there’s a lot on my mind, the day was a rush. from almost missing my flight and experiencing waves of crying gratitude to shaking off the embarrassment. from the excitement but also fear of being in a new place, not knowing the language and feeling a tad too hot in my arrival outfit. from language barriers of finding my taxi and watching rundown down city pass me by to carrying my heavy pack up the 4 stairs as my legs are ready to give way… i lay down, ready to decompress and i immediately get a call. it’s all too much, but i can’t even slow down to realize it, i don’t give myself a moment to think, to breathe.

my main focuses lately have been to slow down. i’ve lived a fast life and it can be easy to get caught up in the speed of everything. i want to savor each moment and make it sweet. i want to give myself moments to think about what i need; maybe it’s a breath, maybe it’s to close my eyes and give thanks for arriving rather than jumping on my phone, maybe it;s allowing myself a moment to pause.

as soon as i got out of my accommodation i thought “okay, make it to point A without looking like a tourist then make it to point B. don’t stop and look like you’re lost.” (an outsiders advice)

but that mindset was so wrong for me. i felt like a robot who wasn’t at ease. i felt stiff. i couldn’t be myself. i couldn’t take pictures the way i wanted to because i was trying to blend in, i wasn’t in the moment.

it didn’t help that my outfit made me feel like i stuck out like a sore thumb. tight biker shorts and a tank to beat the heat. my eyes darted around to see what other tourists were wearing but i only spotted locals in oversized shirts and long pants. fuck. that’s my signature! but i was way too hot to sport that… saw one american seeming woman with shirts and a tank, oh phew. i’m good.

but i kept getting looks. i thought people said the locals were so nice and happy, why am i not reciving the smiles everyone talks about? oh. maybe it’s because i have this scorned look on my face that screams hey! i’m self conscious and uncomfortable! another ding to add to my list of unprepared things. looks like it’s time to go shopping tomorrow, i think to myself.

as i continue on my walk to get a gauge for the city, a read, a feel. i was overwhelmed. i don’t think i took into account the fact that i had JUST landed here!!! i wish i had taken slower moments to stop, capture, look… and feel.

but people always say don’t gawk up at the place, it’ll show you’re a tourist! but the funny thing is – that is literally me everyday of my life. ALWAYS gawking at the beauty around me. so i thought to myself, who. gives. a fuck. stop and gawk at things if you want to.

i kept feeding myself these silly thoughts and i couldn’t relax – that’s when i realized it’s time to go home and give myself a mental break.

it’s time to let everything soak in, give myself the night to reset, and get ready for another day.